Cashstream Financial

On the Right Hand Side of our blog home page you will see a section “Search By Tag”. Click on the “Jokes” Tag and you will see the different types of jokes we have added to the blog. Enter your new joke in the comments section and enter……and the joke should appear…….and thanks in advance for supporting a great cause….

Knock! Knock ! Who’s There?
Rudolph ! Rudolph Who?
Money is the Rudolph all evil………..

I know …….A terrible Christmas Cracker joke …..but the groanstaking puns of the Christmas Cracker are a traditional reminder of how laughter makes us all feel good. For kids with cancer laughter has the potential to dramatically improve their quality of life.

So this Christmas at cashstream.com.au we want to support the kids at Camp Quality – where laughter really is the best medicine. Just check out their web-site to see the wonderful activities the charity organises for kids and their families trying to cope with the very difficult emotional journey of cancer. Just think of someone you know; how they and their family has dealt with it………and now think of a child with cancer ….……its important we all help

To re-inforce the theme of laughter in our blog we invite you to add to our selection of Christmas Cracker Jokes. By adding to them (clean ones please…) not only will we all hopefully have a bit of festive fun but for each Christmas joke added to our blog before the 12 days of Christmas are up (i.e. 6th January 2010) that is unique – we will donate $2 to the Camp Quality Charity* (because we have already put up 50 or so jokes already we will already donate $100) – because laughter reminds us all of what it feels like feel good…….and to recognise how luck WE are. Its not obligatory but if you do put a joke up how about making a token donation as well…………click here for their donations page.

Also for ANY introductions to us from 17th December 2009 to 31st January 2010 that close before 28th February 2010 we will donate 25% of the upfront brokerage we receive to this wonderful cause through your kind introductions. We would love to raise $10,000 for this great cause…..please help us get there.

Just email me personally at tim.lea@cashstream.com.au

In the meantime please have a happy, peaceful and enjoyable Christmas with your family but please don’t forget to support those less fortunate than you….

Tim Lea

* unfortunately we have to cap the gift at a maximum of $1000 as we are a humble boutique brokerage and advisory house and also to stop any competitors deliberately trying to “break the bank!” (unless of course you wanted to take up some of the slack by donating as well)

Twelve days – Revised Policy

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese 
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing 
their outplacement
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the 
bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (”thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

* As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?” (dedicated to those technophobes amongst us…..)

* To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to 
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times 
the speed of sound. At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
 instantaneously.

* When you stop believing in Santa Claus 
is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

* Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!
 Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
 Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!”
 He continued, “And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”
 Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said, “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”
 And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree got its start…

The Art of Kissing
Miss L Toe
Winning at Charades Vic Tree
Guessing your Presents P King
Bad Gifts M.T. Box
How to get a Great Present B Good
What do do after Christmas Dinner Clare Inup
101 Cures for Indegestion Ivor Pain
Sledging for Beginners I.C. Bottom
Christmas Questions I Dunnoe & Noah Little
Make your parents get what you want Ruth Lesschild
Surprise present! Omar Gosh
I’d rather have fish for Christmas Dinner Ann Chovie
Happy New Year Mary Christmas
Will Grandpa come for Christmas Woody Kum
Too much Christmas Dinner O. Beets
My Brother Hogs all the Potatoes Dick Tator

Q. What do angry mice send each other?
A. Cross-mouse cards!
Q. What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
A. Jingle smells!
Q. What is green, covered with tinsel and goes “ribbet ribbet”?
A. A mistle-”toad”!
Q. What do wild animals sing at Christmastime?
A. Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!
Q. What is the best key to get at Christmas?
A. A turkey!
Q. How do Chihuahua’s say Merry Christmas?
A.Fleas Navidog!
Q.How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A.A merry Christmas to ewe! (With apologies to all Welshmen or Kiwis)
Q. What squeaks and is scary?
A. The Ghost of Christmouse Past!
Q. What do you call a cat on a beach at Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws!
Q. What do sheep say to Santa?
A. Seasons bleatings!
Q. Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
A. Santa Paws
Q. What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
A. Tyranno-santa Rex!
Q. What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
A. Rapping paper!
Q. How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney?
A.He uses a ladder in the stocking!
Q. Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
A.
 Because it soots him !
Q. How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
A. Stacks !
Q. 

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
A. How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: “I don’t like sprouts” !